I am Sarah. I am married to a very sadistic man.
We met when I was a young single mother. I had just ended the relationship with my baby's father, and was in a very vulnerable place. Joe came out of nowhere and came to my rescue. He helped me establish a new life in a new town, which was something I wanted so desperately. He sent me flowers when I was offered a new job. He helped me move. He helped me find childcare. He told me I was special.
Coming out of a relationship where I'm felt I'd mattered very little, so much attention felt so good. Yes, he was a little odd, but aren't most people? My gut was silenced by my ego. I deserved to be treated so well. He demanded I take my baby's father to court for child support. I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, and that fear was fed until it took me over.
I began drinking. A lot. More than I ever had. I didn't want to feel so bad. I didn't want to be afraid. For the second time in my young life, I wanted it all to end. I chased a bottle of painkillers with a bottle of muscle relaxers and a bottle of vodka. I called Joe and told him I was scared. He begged me to come to him. I put my baby in the car and drove over there. I don't know how I made it. I don't know how I didn't die that night. I was so sick. Sick of myself. Sick of the pain. Sick of always feeling like I didn't matter. The only time I didn't feel this way was when I was with Joe. Joe made me feel like I mattered. Like I was his whole world.
I knew I couldn't keep going like this. So I moved again. To a new town. New job. New life. Joe wouldn't come with me. He moved as well, but even further from where I was. We maintained a long distance relationship. He told me stories of going out to the bars with his friends. He told me he once woke up with two women in his bed, but he was pretty sure he hadn't had sex with them. I knew, one way or another, he was full of shit. He visited me that Christmas. We attended a party for my work, and had too much to drink. That was the first night he laid his hands on me. He thought I as flirting with a coworker. When I denied it, he grabbed me around the throat and slammed me into the wall. I blacked out. I don't know what happened after that.
We broke up shortly after. I couldn't handle it. I dated other men. They all reminded me of Joe. Then Joe came back. He was sorry. He was going to therapy. He promised it would all be better. He swooned me. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Everything I needed to believe. We were engaged three weeks later. I left my job and moved to be with Joe.
I ended up pregnant before we were married. On our "honeymoon", he told me he'd lied about going to therapy. He told me he'd always kept an eye on me while we were apart, and that he was disappointed in how I conducted myself. He told me he'd pay off all of my debt and adopt my child so that our new baby would have a full sibling instead of a bastard. What on earth do you say to that? I didn't say anything. I was trapped. And he knew it. It was exactly what he wanted.
After the new baby was born, things got better. There was almost a year with nothing but mostly good memories. We struggled financially, but we made it. Then I got a promotion and a raise at work. I was making more than Joe now. Things got bad again. Really bad. He started pushing me. Into doorways. Onto the couch. Into the kitchen counter. Onto the bed. That's when the rape began. I'd beg him to stop. He never listened. He talked about our children while he was raping me, then he'd smack me afterwards for being turned on by the thought of the kids. This happened off and on for years. He threatened to tell the cops I molested the children. He said he'd gong to school with the chief of police, so he knew he would believe him. He taught the kids to say that mommy touched them. He taught them to call me cunt instead of mom.
I left. I left three times. The cops, as he said, wouldn't do anything. They told me if I had him arrested, Joe would lose his job and it would be all my fault. Joe never told the cops what he threatened. I stayed away this time. I felt like I was finally free.
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Sarah left Joe, and took her kids to a domestic violence shelter. They helped her deal with the trauma of her marriage. Joe continues to stalk and harass her. She left 15 years ago.