Chicago Women's March

The Chicago Women's March was an amazing experience.  I personally marched for every single woman I've ever come into contact with.  My mother.  My sister and sisters-in-law.  My cousins.  My friends.  My clients.  I wanted to stand for every woman, ever.  Being surrounded by 250,000 like-minded people, marching for basic rights made it very easy to forget that many of the women that I marched for degraded my desire to do so.

Coming home and sharing pictures, and receiving the backlash from friends, family, and people I've never met...  Well, it hurt.  A lot.  But I'll happily take that pain and use it to continue to do better for us all.

One such soul told me that I was very bitter.

"You are very bitter you think you're the only one nobody should go through what you said why didn't you go to the cops why would you stay with somebody like that why do you blame everybody for what you had to endure you are not the only one that's gone through that and I'm sure there are people that have gone through worse even men. hate only gets hate Injustice is wrong and you can't blame everybody for your a****** ex husband there are people out there that you probably give attitude towards that would love to beat the living s*** out of him"

Now, normally, I try to disengage from social media arguments.  But this is an issue I am so deeply passionate about that I find myself speaking out every chance I get.  I do not know why my passion is often mistaken for bitterness - because this is not the first time I have been told this.  10 years ago, YES - I was bitter.  I had not dealt with my abuse or the feelings that came from it.   Today I channel my energy into trying to make this world better.  I do not feel bitter.  I do not carry anger in my heart towards my abusers.  I do not (often) feel regret that I wasn't rescued from what happened to me.

So, for all the Paul's in this world - I marched for you too.  Because the direction of this administration scares me.  Because it harms EVERYONE.  Not just women.  Not just immigrants.  But everyone.  Every single one of us.

I marched because I love you all.

Sarah's Story

***Sarah is safe now, but she still lives in fear.  Names and some details have been changed to protect her identity.***

I am Sarah.  I am married to a very sadistic man.

We met when I was a young single mother.  I had just ended the relationship with my baby's father, and was in a very vulnerable place.  Joe came out of nowhere and came to my rescue.  He helped me establish a new life in a new town, which was something I wanted so desperately.  He sent me flowers when I was offered a new job.  He helped me move.  He helped me find childcare.  He told me I was special.

Coming out of a relationship where I'm felt I'd mattered very little, so much attention felt so good.  Yes, he was a little odd, but aren't most people?  My gut was silenced by my ego.  I deserved to be treated so well.  He demanded I take my baby's father to court for child support.  I was so scared that I wouldn't be able to do it all on my own, and that fear was fed until it took me over.

I began drinking.  A lot.  More than I ever had.  I didn't want to feel so bad.  I didn't want to be afraid.  For the second time in my young life, I wanted it all to end.  I chased a bottle of painkillers with a bottle of muscle relaxers and a bottle of vodka.  I called Joe and told him I was scared.  He begged me to come to him.  I put my baby in the car and drove over there.  I don't know how I made it.  I don't know how I didn't die that night.  I was so sick.  Sick of myself.  Sick of the pain.  Sick of always feeling like I didn't matter.  The only time I didn't feel this way was when I was with Joe.  Joe made me feel like I mattered.  Like I was his whole world.  

I knew I couldn't keep going like this.  So I moved again.  To a new town.  New job.  New life.  Joe wouldn't come with me.  He moved as well, but even further from where I was.  We maintained a long distance relationship.  He told me stories of going out to the bars with his friends.  He told me he once woke up with two women in his bed, but he was pretty sure he hadn't had sex with them.  I knew, one way or another, he was full of shit.  He visited me that Christmas.  We attended a party for my work, and had too much to drink.  That was the first night he laid his hands on me.  He thought I as flirting with a coworker.  When I denied it, he grabbed me around the throat and slammed me into the wall.  I blacked out.  I don't know what happened after that.

We broke up shortly after.  I couldn't handle it.  I dated other men.  They all reminded me of Joe.  Then Joe came back.  He was sorry.  He was going to therapy.  He promised it would all be better.  He swooned me.  He told me everything I wanted to hear.  Everything I needed to believe.  We were engaged three weeks later.  I left my job and moved to be with Joe. 

I ended up pregnant before we were married.  On our "honeymoon", he told me he'd lied about going to therapy.  He told me he'd always kept an eye on me while we were apart, and that he was disappointed in how I conducted myself.  He told me he'd pay off all of my debt and adopt my child so that our new baby would have a full sibling instead of a bastard.  What on earth do you say to that?  I didn't say anything.  I was trapped.  And he knew it.  It was exactly what he wanted.

After the new baby was born, things got better.  There was almost a year with nothing but mostly good memories.  We struggled financially, but we made it.  Then I got a promotion and a raise at work.  I was making more than Joe now.  Things got bad again.  Really bad.  He started pushing me.  Into doorways.  Onto the couch.  Into the kitchen counter.  Onto the bed.  That's when the rape began.  I'd beg him to stop.  He never listened.  He talked about our children while he was raping me, then he'd smack me afterwards for being turned on by the thought of the kids.  This happened off and on for years.  He threatened to tell the cops I molested the children.  He said he'd gong to school with the chief of police, so he knew he would believe him.  He taught the kids to say that mommy touched them.  He taught them to call me cunt instead of mom.

I left.  I left three times.  The cops, as he said, wouldn't do anything.  They told me if I had him arrested, Joe would lose his job and it would be all my fault.  Joe never told the cops what he threatened.  I stayed away this time.  I felt like I was finally free.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Sarah left Joe, and took her kids to a domestic violence shelter.  They helped her deal with the trauma of her marriage.  Joe continues to stalk and harass her.  She left 15 years ago.

Laurie's Story

“I am Laurie. I am exactly who I am supposed to be.  The DNA in me is right, not wrong.”

Laurie is a strong, amazing woman. Her strength of character is reflected in her eyes – she has a soft determination that surrounds her and emanates from her core.

Laurie bravely told her story to me. She grew up without a safe place. Laurie witnessed physical violence as a young child. This sets the stage for a child to question the world in ways she shouldn't need to. She grew up feeling different. Feeling isolated from her peers, and the adults around her. She developed a protective shell to keep that negativity from reaching her.  This shell was often perceived as superiority when in fact,  the opposite was true.  “You really can’t know someone without really taking time to allow them to unfold and be who they are”.  

Her one oasis was defined as a person that made her feel like she could just be herself.  This oasis provided the small piece of stability and love on which she could anchor her soul.  

Laurie's offender groomed her. Fed her lies. Violated her in many smaller ways to tear her down and create a more vulnerable victim. He created an environment to suit his desires to do as he wished with her. Coercing her to be unclothed. He forced much more access to her private self than any person has a right to.  She knows that hurt people, hurt people.  

There were layers of pain that served as a platform in her life for some painful years on which she based her decisions out of her wounds rather than her strengths.  

“I have made mistakes in my life. But I own them now.”

Growing up as she did, there is no wonder how she developed a negative inner monologue. But Laurie knows that she is not responsible for what happened to her. Pain is a universal experience.  That making choices based on hurt creates more hurt. And letting go of pain – not forgetting, but not letting it lead one's life – is the most healing thing one can do.  Forgiveness sets you free.

“Recovery is the most badass thing a person can do.”  “We are all recovering from something.”

Laurie lives a very full and fulfilling life. She has professional success. She works daily to love and be loved.  Acceptance goes a long way.  Grace levels the playing field of life. . She has found forgiveness in her heart.

Finding a stable and functional life as an adult is no easy task for a child that has experienced trauma from before her first memories. Laurie knows that she is exactly who she is supposed to be, but recognizes the long road it took to get her to where she is now. She also knows that recovery from trauma is not a static state of being, but requires constant work as life changes around you.   And…..she believes “LOVE ALWAYS WINS”.